Long time - no see!

First of all I must apologise to any of you who are still trying to follow this blog! Life kind of got in the way of normal thinking as you will see if you read further! I must warn you however that it contains mentions of death and grief, so if you wish to turn away now - I won't be offended!

When I last wrote, I was about to find out what was going to happen to me post mastectomy - what further treatments I'd be given etc. Well, I had to have 6 rounds of chemotherapy followed by 15 sessions of radiotherapy. I made it through all of the chemo sessions (including a brief stay in hospital after the first round) and came out the other side. Meanwhile I had to become the pivot of Mike's world - I was not only his carer (in effect), but his nurse too and I'm sad to say that our relationship suffered. 

But LIFE had decided that I didn't have enough to deal with, so it threw me a real curveball and Mike died on March 2nd 2019 from his bowel cancer (which had also spread to his stomach and liver). He died 5 days before I was due to start my radiotherapy sessions, so I had that to cope with too - all the side effects, plus dealing with registering a death etc! Life was definitely throwing rotten tomatoes at me at that point. 

I made it through that year, with the help of family, friends and a wonderful counsellor from Macmillan, all of whom told me how strong I was being - but the truth is I'm not strong - I just had to get on and deal with it - there was no-one else. Later that same year I made the decision to also remove my other breast - I wanted to be flat not lopsided. And luckily my counsellor and surgeon both agreed, so in November I went back into hospital for a second mastectomy. And I was relieved to be told that there was no evidence of cancer cells present in any tissue. 

Those first anniversaries are the real pits - birthdays, Christmas, wedding anniversary - everything set me off, but by the time the 2nd March 2020 came around, I felt I could just grieve his loss, and with all that has happened subsequently with the pandemic I am glad in a way that Mike didn't have to cope with that as well, as I know he'd have been classed as extremely clinically vulnerable. With my treatment finished too, and suddenly no hospital appointments or check ups - it felt like I'd stepped out of a plane without a parachute - there was no-one who had my back to tell me that I'd be ok and get through this in those early morning hours when I couldn't sleep. 

So when we were placed into the first lockdown - here I was - alone - my daughter and her family were miles way, I was told that I was vulnerable and must shield, so my four walls became my entire world much like many others across the world. All I can say is that my crafts took an upturn in production, but I'll talk about those in a later post! 

Now, three lockdowns later, I am going to post this on March 2nd 2021. It will be two years since Mike died, and finally I feel that I have some of my old self back. 

For many months after Mike died, I felt resentful - I had cared for him during all of his treatments, but there was no-one here for me - no-one to make a cup of tea when the fatigue or pain hit me. No-one to tell me to stay in bed when I felt so bad - to bring me a sandwich for lunch or even heat a bowl of soup. Now, in lockdown, I had no-one to organise shopping - I either had to go myself or organise a home delivery. No-one apart from my daughter or friends to talk to - and that had to be by phone or text. No-one to hug! No-one to even say good night to. I have never felt so alone as I did during these two years, especially initially. I also came to the conclusion that while I still loved him (and always will), I did not like the person that cancer had turned him into - and perhaps that had been the basis of my resentfulness. 

But today I feel that I can finally be grateful for the years we had together - we met in June 1973 and were married in Feb 1975, moving in to the house I still live in. We both retired in 2007 and were able to go to lots of the places we had always wanted to visit. So for the last few years we were together almost 24/7 and knew each other inside out. And now finally I can get out the photos and scrapbooks of our life together and not cry too much - remembering all the happy times we had. I have learned to be happy with my own company and the ability to eat or sleep when I want to! 

For anyone who has lost a loved one during these awful times, whether through Covid or any other reason - you have my deepest sympathy. It may not sound like much, but I now know that although Mike has gone, he is still here with me - in the home we built together and in my heart. I hope you may be able to feel that same comfort when your grief finally passes. 

And I promise to be more upbeat and try to keep this blog going more regularly again! Until then - stay home, stay safe.